By Bitchy Waiter

BW-footballIt’s week two of the NFL season and time for some more picks by someone who doesn’t know a pigskin from a pork rind. It appears that last week I got 8 out of 16, which, according to the app on my phone, is 50%.  NIce job, eh? This week, I will try a different method to make my choices of who I think will win each game. Since I am in the midst of planning a vacation, I am going to base all of my picks on the city that I would most like to vacation in. And since I know none of these teams, Google will be my friend. And away we go!

Jets vs. Patriots: Okay, New York or New England? Aren’t they both kind of the same place? Since I live in New York City and since New England once hosted me for a fabulous weekend in Maine I go with PATRIOTS!

Rams vs. Falcons: I think St. Louis has a big arch that most tourists like to go visit but I hear that Atlanta has big hair. And how can I resist a place that calls itself Hot? Go FALCONS!

Chargers vs. Eagles: San Diego is where I got my first tattoo in 1990. Jimminey Cricket is proudly inked onto my lower calf and even though I have never been to Philadelphia, I think I would choose to go back to San Diego. The weather is nicer and my tattoo needs a touch up. CHARGERS.

Cowboys vs. Chiefs: This one is easy. I have been to Dallas a few times, being a native Texan. It was always about Six Flags then. Nowadays, it’s all about food and I think Kansas City has some damn good bar-b-q. CHIEFS.

Dolphins vs. Colts: Hmmmm, Miami or Indianapolis? Indianapolis has race cars and Miami lets you walk down the sidewalk with 32 ounce cocktails hanging around your neck. DOLPHINS.

Titans vs. Texans: The Tennessee Titans is so onomatopoeic that I am inclined to choose then for the win based on the sheer loveliness of their name, but these picks are based on my vacation choices. Therefore, since I am from Houston and have been there and done that, I’d go to Tennessee so I could visit Dollywood. TITANS.

Redskins vs. Packers: Washington DC, I’m sure, is a wonderful place to visit but the Packers are from Wisconsin which is the home of great cheese and “Lavern and Shirley.” How can I consider any other team to win other than one? PACKERS.

Browns vs. Ravens: I think that Cleveland is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but Baltimore is where the musical “Hairspray” takes place. Unless the Hall of Fame has a musical theater section, I’m not interested. RAVENS.

Panthers vs. Bills: According to a Google search, the Panthers hail from Carolina. North or South, I know not. The Bills hail from Buffalo which is cold. Since I am pretty certain that both Carolinas have some type of coast that would allow me to relax in a chaise while overlooking the ocean, I pick PANTHERS.

Vikings vs. Bears: I will admit that geography is not my strong suit, but isn’t Minnesota even more north than Chicago? Like, isn’t it practically in Canada. I do not like the cold. And since Chicago must have some kind of Oprah museum I could visit, go, BEARS.

Saints vs. Buccaneers: In much the same way I chose Miami over Indianapolis, I will go with New Orleans for this match up. I cannot say no to a city  that encourages people to wear their cocktails around their necks. SAINTS.

Lions vs. Cardinals: I hear that Arizona is a wonderful place to get spa treatments and that the dry air is wonderful for the skin. Detroit seems like it would be smoggy. CARDINALS.

Jaguars vs. Raiders: It seems like the only time I hear about Florida is when there is a hurricane about to hit it or someone did something crazy that made the Weird News on Huffington Post. Oakland is never on my radar. Let’s keep it that way. JAGUARS.

Broncos vs. Giants: Just a few weeks ago I was in Denver on vacation. While it may seem silly to want to go back to a city for vacation when I just got back from there, I cannot resist the lure of a trip to Elitch Gardens and a visit to the Molly Brown House. BRONCOS.

49ers vs. Seahawks: This is toss-up because both of these cities are places I would like to visit. I don’t drink coffee, so I would I really fit in in Seattle? I don’t like Rice-a-Roni, so would San Francisco accept me for what I am? Never been to one of them so, I say SEAHAWKS.

Steelers vs. Bengals: When I think of Pittsburgh, I think of a gritty steel town full of good salt kind of people while Cincinnati makes me think of WKRP. I imagine that both cities are quite lovely but a friend of mine lives in Pennsylvania and I could say hello to Erika if go with STEELERS.

That’s it for this week. Go, football!


Bitchy Waiter

The Bitch Waiter writes a weekly guest column for ThePigskinReport using his unique sense of humor to pick each week's NFL games. His blog, is a must read for anyone who works in or has worked in the restaurant business. While you're at it, make sure to like his Facebook page as well. Bitchy has been featured on Dr. Phil, CBS morning and most recently, The Today Show.

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Readers Comments (4)

  1. avatar Debbie Morella-Haynes

    I know you did a lot of time-consuming research for this week’s picks and was glad to see you got a bit of a break picking Miami over the Colts. Race cars or being tethered to your cocktails all week? I can picture you mulling over that one for about a second and a half. lol

    • avatar Bitchy Waiter

      So much research, yes.

  2. avatar john p

    your picks are hilarious, (not the outcome jsut the explanation) but either way, if you are going to do a weekly pick and post it, you MUST post your running tally. If you can finish the year even at 65% you will be better than most of the pros. Good luck BW.

  3. avatar john p

    well. youre better than most of the pro picks. you are 11 for 15 this week with the monday nighter still to come.


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